Why Is It So Hard to Love Ourselves? Understanding Low Self-Esteem and the Journey Toward Self-Love

Why is it so difficult to love ourselves? Even when we succeed, and are praised by others, we still carry the quiet, persistent voice of an inner critic. We may appear confident on the outside, but on the inside, we keep fighting with feelings of unworthiness, and self-doubt. This article explores the psychological, scientific, and spiritual roots of low self-esteem and lack of self-love, and offers a simple and steady path toward healing and wholeness.

Psychological Foundations of Self-Worth

Psychology has long shown that our sense of self-esteem is largely shaped in childhood. According to Carl Rogers’ self-concept theory, children who receive unconditional positive regard tend to have a healthy self-image later in life. But many of us were loved conditionally: praised for good grades, obedience, or appropriate behaviour, and criticised when we expressed anger, sadness, or independence. These early patterns make us believe that our value depends on external approval rather than inherent worth. This kind of conditional reinforcement creates a fragile and performance-based self-esteem that changes based on our achievements or how well we meet others’ expectations.

While reading "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, I found another interesting perspective on the topic of self-worth. The book is based on Adlerian psychology, which emphasises that all human problems are at their core interpersonal problems. Alfred Adler proposed that feelings of inferiority arise from our deep-rooted need for belonging and significance. However, with time, these feelings can become internalised and lead to unhealthy patterns of behaviour, such as an excessive need for approval, competition, or avoidance of challenges. According to his approach, healing begins when we stop outsourcing our self-worth, embrace our individuality, and find the courage to live authentically, independent of societal validation.

The Neuroscience of Self-Worth

From a neuroscientific standpoint, self-worth is associated with specific patterns of brain activity. Chronic self-criticism and low self-esteem are associated with increased activity in the default mode network (DMN), a neural network associated with self-referential thoughts and rumination (Sheline et al., 2009). Another study by Yeshurun, Nguyen, and Hasson (2021) suggests that the DMN helps us integrate our internal and external worlds together to create a unified sense of self. This means that disturbances in how we perceive ourselves in relation to others, like in cases of low self-esteem, may involve dysregulation within this network. Interestingly, practices like mindfulness meditation have been shown to decrease DMN activity, enhancing present-moment awareness and reducing negative self-talk (Brewer et al., 2011). In addition, functional MRI studies have shown that self-affirmation activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, a part of DMN involved in emotional regulation (Cascio et al., 2016).  In general, these studies demonstrate that recognising your own worth has measurable neurological impacts, including healthy brain activity and emotional resilience.

The Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Love

While self-esteem often stems from external accomplishments or social validation, self-love is something quieter, deeper, and more enduring. You can have high self-esteem and still not love yourself. You might feel confident at work, attractive in the mirror, or admired by others — and still be haunted by a sense of emptiness or insecurity. In contrast, self-love is about really knowing yourself deeply and choosing to respond with compassion instead of judgment. So how do we do that?

The Spiritual Perspective on Self-Love

From a spiritual lens, a lack of self-love is often seen as a disconnection from our true essence. Many religious traditions invite us to love ourselves not out of pride or ego, but as part of honouring the God within. In Sufism, the inward journey toward the Divine includes learning to see oneself through the eyes of compassion and unity. This path involves shedding the illusions of the ego and returning to the heart, where divine love is experienced both within and beyond the self. Through poetry, music, and various rituals, the Sufi gradually dissolve feelings of separation and unworthiness. Self-love in this context is not about inflating the ego but about recognising the divine spark within — seeing oneself as a reflection of the Beloved.

Many of us have experienced falling in love with someone who didn’t match our usual ideals or expectations. Their worth became magnified simply because we loved them. They felt sacred, irreplaceable, even if the world didn’t see them that way. Similarly, when someone loves us deeply, they often see beauty and magic in us that we cannot see ourselves. But without self-love, their affection feels foreign or undeserved. Only by learning to love ourselves, we can shift how we perceive our own being.

Final Thoughts

When we begin to understand where our sense of unworthiness came from we begin to soften the grip it holds on us. But knowing the roots isn’t enough. The real transformation comes from practice. From learning to greet ourselves each day with the same compassion we might offer a child, a dear friend, or a beloved.

Now sit down. Close your eyes. And ask yourself: What would it feel like to love myself without needing to earn it?

References

• Adler, A. (1956). Understanding Human Nature. Greenberg.

• Brewer, J. A., et al. (2011). Mindfulness training and stress reactivity in substance abuse: results from a randomized, controlled trial. Substance Use & Misuse, 46(13), 1707–1715.

• Cascio, C. N., et al. (2016). Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 11(4), 621–629.

• Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

• Sheline, Y. I., et al. (2009). The default mode network and self-referential processes in depression. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 106(6), 1942–1947.

• Yeshurun, Y., Nguyen, M., & Hasson, U. (2021). The default mode network: where the self meets the social world. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 22(3), 181–192.